You will need: 10 loaves of rye bread Family size bag of white basmatti rice about 30 stock cubes Gravy granules White wine Malt vinegar A room of your own preferably with a lock A used hoover bag A church A bicycle (push bike, not motor cycle) Twenty bags of frozen peas A radio Several jars of peanut butter Alarm clock denatured alcohol Step one: Empty your room so it contains nothing except these items: A bed A chair An empty desk or table A radio A dictionary plus three more books of your choice An alarm clock One bottle of denatured alcohol Step two: Urinate in one corner of your room then empty your hoover bag all over your room and kick the dust around so it covers everything. Step three: Cleanse yourself thoroughly but without soap. Step four: Get on your bike. Step five: Cycle 60 miles in any direction. Step six: Cycle back Step seven: Pour yourself a nice refreshing glass of water and tuck in to a meal of rye-bread, frozen peas, peanut butter and malt vinegar. Step eight: Return to your room. Step nine: For the next two months follow these rules: Do not wash Do not open a window Do not leave your room Only one toilet break every eight hours Only drink orange squash or malt vinegar Only eat at meal times No visitors Lights off at half past nine Lights on at half past five For breakfast and lunch only eat rye bread with or without peanut butter For dinner only eat boiled rice mixed with stock, gravy, peas, a few table spoons of white wine and a teaspoon full of denatured alcohol and make sure it is well cooked No leftovers eat everything you make You must eat three full meals a day Only drink denatured alcohol when bored No shaving No masturbating No pornography No smoking No drugs except mushrooms You must wear the same clothes On Saturdays you must either cycle ninety miles or walk thirty On Sundays you must go to church If you break any of these rules then add one more day to your confinement. You may find it helpful to get a friend or enemy to help you out with this. Step ten: Clean your damn room and reflect on the shadow of a person you have become. Step eleven: With any luck you should have had an utterly miserable time, wasted two months of your life, driven yourself insane and lost most of your friends. You have now found yourself Congratulations!